Saturday, April 21, 2018

Dignity Floats

Never allow yourself to be treated in a way that you know to be wrong.

People will slither into the crevices of your privacy in ways that you didn't see coming, through the tiniest slits in your being. They will ask questions of you when you are vulnerable and latch onto your forced answers like an ant latches onto a fallen bread crumb. Aha, there it is - hold on tight, little humpback. Yes, ants and people alike will do that. Latch on, hatch on, question answer, what's that you say, Case letter A? But no, I'm Rachel, not Case A or Case B. I live and I laugh, I write and I muse, I eat and I pray. I am here, I am dear, and I know this much is true.

As the always brilliant Ms. Winfrey states, what I know to be true is this. I have been up and I have been down, as have many of us. I have carried the weight, and the lack thereof, of adulthood... at times well, at others less well. The ups and downs of the strife of life and just that: phases of waves of strength and weakness. I know this much is true. And here I sit, stand, and lay down and out in a lower tidal wave, wading my way out slowly but surely. My floaties still work, my umbrella still stands, the waves are strong but so is my soul. The sand is dark and wet under my still pedicured toes and on it I trod on, toward the shore of Fifth Avenue and 27th streets. The sand there is firmer and drier, and the waves don't roll, they stop on Madison.

Here I sit, here I pivot, here I lean and jump over the puddles, small and fierce, determined and tired. I can jump and run, but I need a floatie at the end of the journey, as do we all. For isn't that the journey, the roll tide of life, the sand beneath my feet, and the green grass that flows underneath the flight of the beautiful white heron of my soul. That is the journey, my friends, the unstraight and unnarrow, the fleeting moment of existence that we call life. We drift up and down, and we do our best.

I know this much and I know this much is true: I do my best, I cannot do more.  The heron flies above me, in the aisles of the grocery store, at the beach, in the trenches and twirls of my mind. She flies gracefully, stroking my hair and cheek, squeezing my sometimes fleshier than others, pulkies, and pasting my cheeks. Her wrinkly elegantly ballet slippers manicured hand holds mine in hers, her rings now gracing the fingers of my own hand instead of hers. They are beautiful rings, yet I long to take them off and put them back on the darker, older fingers of the now flying white heron,

Never let anyone treat you in a way you know is not right. "You always have your breath." the blonde banged dove waxes. "You always have your dignity." the brunette wise woman reminds herself.

That is right. Never ever let anyone compromise your dignity.

The sand is hot and the waves are strong, the concrete jungle is angry and the train cars packed. But your dignity lives on, your breath maintains.

Be still, be true, hold onto you.

Never let anyone treat you with inappropriate disrespect. No matter their title.

Thursday, April 5, 2018


there is no greater injury than that which takes something away which was already missing.

or, perhaps there is... taking it away when, although not full, it was still partially there and the dim light it shone into the dusk was so bright the dusk ceased to exist for a time. 

dimming a light that is already on three quarters off, is like slamming the door in the face of a toddler, taking the wine soaked paper towel from the tiny wailing baby boy at his bris, rescinding the grandest promise only a few minutes after making it, indian giving the longest desired toy, easing a muscle ache then giving it back, scratching an itch followed by wisping the itchiest wispiest feather right on it with the lightest possible stroke. dimming someone else's already minimally perceptible light without asking if the light is needed is the meanest human act that can be taken. 

tell me i'm frustrating, implore me to do or say, ask me to go or beg me to stay. whatever you do, don't dim my light when i walk out of the room. i can't see the way back with it on so low -- the walls are in my way now.

cc bloom and hillary the ill, call me a cliche, i am, but they say it well and they say it true -- you took away our friendship without even discussing it with me... i trusted it, i believed in it, but you didn't, and now it's gone. 

a light switch is a friendship is a family tree, is a doctor patient bond is a mother a daughter, a pair over here and a pair over there, a blonde and a brunette is a sweetheart, a honey, a bunny. is a circle, a square, hearts and limbs in despair. but most of all, a light switch is that which brings us out of slumber to awakenness, and turn it off without asking, my day is now over.
turning off that flicker which was already dimmed... flick that.

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

"you took away our 'relationship' without even discussing it with me.

that 'relationship' meant more to me...

i trusted it, i believed in it.

but you didn't, and now it's gone.

thank you very very much for forgiving me.

but i. don't. forgive you."

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

New Hearted Items of Late

  • Chai tea almond milk lattes ~ Almond milk, pssh, no but really, it's like, really good. You're, like, really pretty! Oh Mean Girls how relevant you are in all ways to all things all the time!
  • Cinnamon fragranced candles ~ Can anyone say generic white girl? If the shoe fits, right? Ha, if only I was a basic bitch, a girl can wish though right?
  • Kiehl's Grapefruit Hair products ~ No I am not afraid of the scent and yes, I joined the mecca spa/gym/club/spoiled life temple Eeeeequinox. Sorry not sorry. 
  • Yoga ~ Yes, like, seriously, for real. All my former snarkmaster Namaste instas, pinstas and such have morphed into actual restorative / free flow / vinyassa studio class checks ins. Namastay snarky no more. Just call me the Yogi Bunny. Wait, no don't. But I say yes to yoga!
  • Carbs ~ Enough said. I love carbs. All of them. Carbs. Are. Friend.
  • Juices ~ Legit. Give me some bananas, almond milk and dates all smushed up into highly swallowable goo... yes please. Juice me all day baby.
Who am I? Who knows! Got to keep it moving, that's all I know and that I know for sure (thanks Ms. Winfrey for that ever-epic line).

Namastay great~

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

asap bashap shmashap...give it a rest

"i need."


"right now, in 10 minutes, an hour ago, yesterday."


"red flag."


Seemingly small phrases. Little words composed of letters in the alphabet. That is all they are right? These tiny phrases, when compiled into an aggregate heaping fucking pile of obnoxious bold emails with pesky little red flags stuck through their fleshy middle sides, are much more than tiny phrases. No, people, these demanding, rude, condescending statements of business need, want, must-have-ness, are much more than that. These phrases are unnecessary parts of the corporate monster of "classy" white collar business in this "great country" of ours.

I implore you, all of you who may or may not ever stumble across this tiny little blog of mine, but if you are here reading this, then yes, I IMPLORE you. colleagues, business people, ad executives, clients, directors, lawyers, auditors...yes i implore each and every single one of you to take a moment to just PAUSE, stop your fingers in their hasty obnoxious paths, before typing out these pesky nasty phrases to those people on whom you depend to provide you that oh-so-very-important information you need. Just stop. Seriously. Stop the track from your brain to your keys and think, don't drop or roll but do stop. These rude urgent phrases just might make you less apt to get what you need; yes, you might very well just be stabbing your own bottom line in the bottom of its proverbial P&L foot by hastily typing out unneededly and unnicedly (fake news, fake word I know but forgive me in my own mid-work day hasty blogging moment) rude little sayings.

I implore you: see what happens if you just abandon these actions...Instead of "i need now", "send asap", "no options otherwise", how about "i appreciate if you...", "could you please", you know what forget the "could you", just add a simple "please". Yes, colleagues, comrades, clients and companions, please kindly take a moment to think before you speak, type, write, dictate, Alexa-ate, Siri-ize, engage in whatever form of e-communication you prefer to leverage, and ponder taking a potentially and alternately more tolerable approach to it. You just may make someone else's fucking day a little brighter...and have your urgent deliverable delivered with just a little bit more urgency on the other end.

Namaste and to all, a wonderful day.

Warm, kind, and all the best regards,

Tuesday, February 20, 2018


sometimes the things we desire most are the simplest yet hardest to attain.

that's all.

Monday, February 19, 2018

Beats by...whatever

Yesterday, I went to my usual neighborhood starbucks in the mid to late afteroon to get my usual daily coffee (don't tell my gastro becuase I know Sbux coffee is probably much too acidic for my acid ridden GI tract. But I digress. The line was uncharacteristically long for a 3p Sunday caffeine fix ad I was feeling, as per usual status quo, crappy tired and irritable. A sad state of affairs I must concede but sadly a true one. in any case, there i stood, clad in my un-best-attempt at looking anything closely resembling equinox-chic but rather instead, in my laziest uncaring state of being -- zero make up, unwashed face, dirtyish leggings and a baggy t-shirt made baggier by its many years of wash cycles and fewer years/months/weeks of weight lost on the girl underneath it. the girl "wearing it." ok, so that is the scene -- Me, at Bux, waiting online for caffeination. Just to close the loop on teh scene, I have noticed as of late in my recent state of heightened anxiety, sickness, irriatabiltation, that donning the absolutely fucking largest noise-blocking obnoxious Beat by Dre headphones has legitimately reduced my anxiety. Yes, this is real truth and non snark. I am legitimatley serious. These godly enormous fucking headphones intended for the most inense of music-makers, rap-takers and beat shakers (Please forgive the abhorrent rhyming I an just too tired to try harder), while not intended as anxiety-blockers, I have found to be as such. I swear somehow my enormous silver larger-than-my-head-and-brain Beats by Dre on-hear headphones seem to be stronger than Xanax lately...the blocking out of sound of everything around AND ODDLY AND CONFUSINGLY IMPORTANTLY, WITHIN ME, has proven lately to be epically and profoundly fucking relaxing. I don these things in my apartment, on the street, at the gym, and apparently, at Starbucks waiitng for my coffee. Well, apparently it seems others also are privy to their uncanny noise blockagability (good fake word rach!), which brings me to the meat of writing this.

So, there's me...still on line and now you have the full picture, lame loose leggings, jacket, HUGE BEATS ON EARS, waiting in a what i'm certain was lividly irritated stance and look. While my music was awaiitng its next song, I found I was able to hear ab conversation somehoe through the beat blocability behind me. "That anorexic girl in line....' I didn't even hear the end of the setnence. I didn't move at first, didnt turn around to give a rude or "I heard that" stare...nope, none of that, iN fact I did not flinch. "That girl is so fucking anorexic it's disgusting, ew." still, i didn't budge, no, i only listened. The two people kept talking about me, as if I was not even there, invisible, deaf, A GHOST. "I bet someone loves her, I wonder who, that is so sad, look at her legs." 


Of course these words stayed in the walls between my ears, as per usual lately.

At this point, I was done with their thoughtless insensitivities. God, thank god for these Beats, PRESS. PLAY. NOW. Yes, my fingers pressed play on my ears. Ahh, drown out the fucking world and its truths again.

I hate writing lately, I hvaen't the patience for it. But I write all this to say...People, for the love of all that may or may not be God, or life, or anything real that you value. Think before you speak. Adjust the volume or tenure of your thoughts before they leave the palor of your lips. But more importantly, before you deign to AUDIBLY judge another human outloud, think again. Think just for a moment about maybe, just MAYBE what that other person might too be feeling, experiencing or doing. How sick he or she might be in his or her body or mind...likely both. Maybe take a goddamn second to say to yourself, gee, maybe that person feels awful already because she looks sad and maybe she does not want to hear this from a couple random strangers while she awaits her acidic blonde roast. Right, probably not.

The world is a place of aesthetics -- that is and always will be true. We as humans feel with our hearts but ultimatey first see with our eyes. We state what we see and say what we may...but all of that can be tempered with time and tolerance. Take the time to temper before making what could be injurious, audible. It just may save one hurt or annoyed feeling...and isn't that just worth a beat or two of your time?