Monday, December 16, 2013

Making a List. Check it twice... only if you want.

I really have nothing clever, kitschy or snarky to say about what I'm about to put forth because, well, it's just fact. While any topic, person, written piece or the like can certainly be turned into some form or other of snark, holiday wish lists typically don't strike me as sarcasm-conducive. Shocking, I know. But alas. In the spirit of the holiday season and my never-ending list of things that I want, thought I'd just take the time to bullet them out. Make of the below what you will -- a self-serving desire to tell people what I want, a holiday must-list reco for your own holiday endeavors, or just to waste a few moments of your precious day.

So here we go:
  • iPad Mini with Retina Display. Here comes the sure-fire response from... everyone reading this. "But you already have one!" Yep, yep I do. That said, how is that in any way related to the fact that I could always use a spare? White iPad. Black iPad. Races coming together. #seinfeld #blackandwhitecookie #nomoreracism
  • Beats by Dre. Yeah, I know they're huge. Yeah, I know they're overpriced. And yeah, I know they're, like, totally the quintessential example of marketing gone so right. But just imagine the mental image of yours truly traipsing around Manhattan in purple Beats bopping my head to the beats. No pun intended!! And plus, purple Beats go perfectly with a huge LV bag, right?
  • One of those really cool charging pads that you just plop devices on and they charge. I don't much understand the technology -- first time those words have exited my lips, er fingers -- of those swell little power mats, but I like 'em. It's cool how people just have their devices laying on their desks and yet they're charging. I want to be one of those people. Can I have one?
  • Book of Mormon tickets. Apropos to my usual television viewing lag time, I am perhaps one of the last remaining theater-enjoying humans who has yet to see this obviously fantastic show. Such a catastrophic omission from my Broadway list. This must be changed.
  • Never-ending Amazon gift cards. Is that so much to ask? Can I just incessantly order things and, like, never be charged? That'd be really great. K, thanks.
  • On that note, never-ending Best Buy gift cards. In case you're not catching the theme here, I heart technology and there is alwayyyyys another device, accessory or such that a girl could use. 
  • A completely gratuitously overpriced Louis Vuitton wallet. In no way could I ever rationalize spending in excess of $600 on a money-holder. It seems so ironic, doesn't it? You spend all your money to buy the thing, only to leave it completely devoid of any contents. But, money aside, they are just so prettttty.
  • Lifetime supply of gum. Mmmm, wouldn't it be grand. 

And there you have it, my totally modest holiday list - shouldn't be too difficult right? Now, that, my friends, was snark. :) Be good!

ABC = Always. Be. Classy.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Holiday NOTs

Since we are rapidly approaching the winter holidays --  cue a good ole T'is the Season here -- I thought I would put myself out there and share with y'all a few things I would not like to a) receive b) be asked or c) do, this holiday season. I figure it's only right to get it out there early. You know, like a holiday teaser, a guessing game, a pre-campaign... or something.

Part I. Things I would not like to receive as gifts

a). Starbucks cards. While I of course adore my coffee and a good cup o' joe does warm even the coldest of hearts during these frigid winter months, the sheer volume of Starbucks cards that roll in during the holidays is utterly out of control. And by out of control, I mean to say that last year by January 1st, I had $100 in StarBUCKS (literally) to my name. Let's be honest, can one really drink that much coffee? #overcaffeination

b). iTunes cards... said the die-hard music lover. But seriously, the same rationale pretty much goes with this one as above. Trust me, I do love music. I love my iPod, love listening to great beats at the gym, on the subway and anywhere else. However, there are alternate modes of listening to music that do not require the purchase of iTunes songs. Read: Pandora, Jango, iTunes Radio. Or plain old fashion pirating. But of course I do not advocate the latter option. In any case, my aim this particular season is to NOT gather iTunes dollars in surplus of roughly $25.

c). Chocolate. Yeah, I like chocolate. Yeah, sometimes I need some sweets at work in that lull afternoon hour. But dear folks, there is such an overabundance of junk food constantly available this time of year as it is that there is absolutely no need for more. Especially more when it sits right in my own office at arms's length! So do me a solid and save the fattening gift for another time, will ya?

Part II. Things I would not like to be asked

a). "Should you be drinking that wine, Rachel?" Translation: are you mayyyybe trying to get pregnanttttt sometime soooon? K, well, following are answers.  Yes, I should be abso-fucking-lutely be drinking it and no, I am not trying to do that. And now that you mention it, fill 'er up.

b). "Any big plans this year?" Every year when someone inquires this very question of me, I just cannot help but chuckle. Why, yes, I know my plans for every month of the coming year already. In fact, I do not have any free days available until 2015. So, if you were going to ask to make a date, let me just shoot you down right now before you do so. Seriously, though, while I get the whole "let's casually chat about meaningless things" banter thing, this question is just waaayyy too far out there.

c). "So, when do you think you'll get sick of Manhattan?" Worst. Question. Ever. Who is to say that just because one is married that one will inevitably eventually grow tired of the greatest city ever? It's an utterly presumptuous assumption and in my case, terribly false. Will. Not. Happen. In answer, that will occur at precisely a quarter to never.

Part III. Things I would not like to do

a).  Participate in less-than-tipsy karaoke. I don't know what it is but it seems that every winter holiday season, I somehow allow myself to be dragged to an office karaoke fete. And it also seems that said fete has been known to take place in a much-too-sober state of affairs. Don't get me wrong, kids, a drunken karaoke evening can be a fest of fun. Absolument. However, even though t'is indeed the season and some of us may be wearing sparkly red ensembles, let's please try and refrain from too-conscious-karaoke this year. K? Trust me, you'll thank me in the morning.

b). There's only an a) and a b) in this category, for I am normally down for almost anything. And trust me when I say, b) is to be taken with a big ole grain of salt. But this winter holiday season, I do not wish to sit on Santa, talk about Chanukah Harry, pull anything out of a stocking, or sip any eggnog. (Not that I typically exhibit any such behaviors. But, you know, for the record). I assert my right to politely decline.

That should sum it up for now, festive friends. Till we meet again, keep warm, stay cuddly, and enjoy the season. Ho ho ho!

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Some pretty great reasons why Haim is my favorite new band

Well, in the vein of list-king (or queen) Buzzfeed, here is my list of top reasons why Haim is like so totally fucking awesome. I love them and you should, too.

They are just three nice Jewish sisters from the Valley. And if you add a "l'c" to their last name, it would say L'chaim.  I mean, really, how much better could you get?

Danielle totally has the whole Cher thing going on -- with that hair and the low voice, she may as well be tossing her head and singing Turn Back Time.  And, well, anyone who even remotely reminds me of Cher... epic win. Hooooo!!

All three sisters play instruments and all three sisters sing. Like, without enhancements and use their actual hands to play. That is a total and utter rarity.

They sing songs that don't annoy me.

And, they look utterly fierce doing it. Great rocker-chic looks they've got going.

Their Israeli grandparents taught them to play when they were, like, fetuses. Neato.

Este's now-infamous bass-face.  I mean, really, need I say more?

Their songs successfully bridge folk, pop, rock and, like, all else. Cheers to musical diversity.

And last but certainly far from least, the lowest hanging of the Haim fruits. They're actual living breathing authentic young musicians who have raw talent. Win.


Tuesday, December 3, 2013

How apropos

T'is the Season!

I am happy to report that my annual favorite festive slash sarcastic line has once again reared its chilly head!

It brings me immense joy to be able to implement this totally open-for-tone-interpretation phrase at email sign off rather than the usual dry alternatives. Just look at how precious the little thing is

Dear Person,

Per your request, attached is this totally mundane and boring document that I slaved away on. Please reach out with questions.

T'is the season!

I highly value its multiple interpretations. Like, for instance, there are those tragically unfortunate souls who lack any sense of humor and employ this phrase with total and utter seriousness in verbal communication. Usually said people are sporting some form of wool red sweater and Lee jeans while using the phrase with totally straight face. You got the picture here right?

Then there is that contingent of people who simply choose to employ the aforementioned "T'is the Season" in writing but never in speech. I find these people are typically somewhat humorous and using the phrase is basically a huge fete accomplis for them. Like, wow, I said t'is the season in writing and that's funny! Well I mean, it is moderately funny so props to them.

But the hands-down ultimate funniest usage of the "T'is the Season" is within otherwise serious dialogue. Perhaps it is my innate tendency towards easy linguistic amusement but I find this act absolutely mind-blowingly hilarious. Like, laugh-out-loud-my-bladder-hurts hilarious. Example. Coworker 1: "Hey you wanna go to Starbucks for a 4p latte with me?" Coworker 2: "I don't know, I have so much to do." Coworker 1: " But pumpkin spice lattes! T'is the Season!" Said example is only moderately funny, however it becomes incrementally funnier in actual serious conversation. As soon as I experience the first authentic usage occasion this year, I will circle back and loop you all in.

Until then and until later, kiddie-o's, have a red-cup espresso on me because... t'is the season!

Monday, December 2, 2013

Top 10 Worst things about Post-Tgiv Monday

10. Since my family is always traveling to some domestically exotic, er maybe not exotic but certainly domestic, destination for the family-centric holiday that is Thanksgiving, I inevitably return to my own abode late Sunday night. Yeah, yeah, I know Tgiv is by far the busiest travel weekend of, like, ever, but what can you do right? It's a 52-year tradition, gotta roll with it. But alas, post-Tgiv Monday work may as well be 7 hours of open-eyed napping. Zero. Productivity. Had.

9. Tight clothes. Ew. Don't get me wrong, I love a good family gorge fest even when it stretches for 5+ days. Totally love waking up and going down to a breakfast buffet that is incrementally larger than anyone could even need for dinner and downing a dinner-size meal at 9a, then repeating at 5p. Aligned with that. But just ugh, putting on that first work outfit post-gorge... I'll pass.

8. Turkey brain. Well, actually, I'm not certain if it's turkey brain, family brain, or just I-don't-want-to-adapt-to-work-again brain but somehow this post-vacay Monday is one of the worst in the books. It just won't turn on.

7. The need to socialize with anyone other than family members. Enough said there.

6. Office ghost town. Now, listen, I don't mind a nice quiet day in the office when roughly half of my colleagues are MIA, really I don't. What better way to fuel productivity than a quiet office where no one will distract you from the many items on your to-do list, right? Well, yeah, except for today. As we established, my brain is not functioning anyway so the quiet is just making me painfully more aware of my LACK of productivity. And the emptiness only serves to make me mad that I didn't take today off too. Dammit, what was I thinking? I could be on my couch as we speak. Fail, Rachel, fail!!

5. Facebook. I'm oftentimes as guilty of it as anyone but as if my FB weren't annoying enough to begin with, today is a particular breed of annoying. Heyyy, look, it's my kid in a turkey suit. Heyyyy, look, I made this stuffing from scratch!  Heyyyy all, check out my Turkey Trot time! I win because I ran while you all ate! Well, la dee da. Whoop dee doo. Good for you.

4. Cyber Monday. We get it, there are sales on the interwebs. Anything else new out there? Buehler?

3. Just waking up in general. But bed is soooo comfortable, my suitcase is laying innocently still packed on the floor waiting for some good unpackage. Why must I get out of bed and leave my apartment at allll? Please don't make me.

2. Incessant diet talk. "Ugh, too much food, I am doing a juice cleanse." "Blech, way too many carbs and fat, I'm eating raw veggies for the next year and a half." "I'm gross, no booze until I'm 40."  K, right, whatever y'all say. I wish you luck with that... until tomorrow.

1. The fact that the next Tgiv now won't take place for 363 days. Womp womp.

Happy Post-Tgiv

Well now that Tgiv 2013... or should I say the Tgiv of the hashtag... has come and gone, I would just like to again pay tribute to the absurd awesomeness that is my family. This time in writing.

As we all know, I'm not one for cheesiness, however I do embrace a good moment to be thankful and thereby I embrace Thanksgiving. In as much seriousness as I can muster on this post-feast Monday, I would like to declare my thankfulness for my absolutely amazing, epically funny, loud, brilliant, diverse and totally real family. I cannot even begin to imagine a life without these wonderful humans always by my proverbial side. And I do mean proverbial, since we are truly spread far and wide. We start in Cali and end in New York but there ain't no battle of the coasts in this family.

So, that is all. Thank you, NewmanReaderCantorConnorSchechterBerg clan, for making my life incrementally fuller than anything I could ever imagine. I love you all and am counting the days until Tgiv 2014.

#tgiv #yippee #cousins #bulldogs #hashtag #howard #delores #family