Monday, July 29, 2013

5 Ways to Be Snarky... in Writing and in Life

5. When speaking of mundane matters, talk to your readers in a tone resembling that which you would employ if speaking to a small kindergarten-aged child. Refer to said readers as "kids, kiddos, comrades, fellow, folks, children" ... or any other equally amusingly young seeming term. This tactic, without fail, places a sparkling crown on the head of any Snark Queen.

4. Create much-too-long-to-be-close-to-grammatically-correct-hyphenated-phrases to describe people, matters, or things that could alternatively be described in one simple word.

3. Post incessant sarcastic e-cards in the confines of your personal social media network. There's nothing like a sarcastically witty e-card to seal the snark cap.

2. Make amusing written observations about mundane human behavior patterns... whether they are indeed amusing or not. For it's not reality that matters, folks, it's how it's recorded. (Note the use of #5 here).

1. If you want to be snarky, self-describe yourself as such. Say it enough, and one day, it will stick.

I like this

Thursday, July 25, 2013


The Highest Compliment

Today, while on a call with my fiercely-intelligent-no-nonsense client, said client paid me what is perhaps the highest compliment I could receive, particularly from her. The quote went as follows:

"If Rachel were ever the client, she'd be really scary."

Most probably wouldn't be certain whether to be totally offended by this or just completely stunned. Me, however... I couldn't be more flattered.

That will be all now.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Office Observations... Take 2

Some questionable behavior patterns noted on this steamy summer Wednesday:

  • The unbelievable unending insistence on continuing that cell phone conversation into the elevator. Seriously, office cohorts, you know that call is going to drop any minute now, just as you get into the meat of your what-is-sure-to-be-so-important-it-couldn't-wait-until-post-elevator-ride point. But now we all get to hear the standard "I'm getting into an elevator, I might lose you" whilst smirking to ourselves. So thank you for that moment of bemused-ness.
  • I recognize it is hot out and that it is next to impossible to get ourselves dressed when we know we will morph into dripping messes the moment we step outside. (See 7/15 post). But, at the risk of sounding like my former lovingly crazy boss of years past, ladies, there is a place and time for flip flops. And included in those places and times is not your office. While I personally would not jeopardize my podiatric health and deign to wear them around or the city streets or (gasping in horror) the subway, if others choose to do so, so be it. But seriously, ladies, for G-d's sake, just keep a pair of wedges or office-acceptable peep toes under your desk for the summer season and change your footwear when you get to work. K?
  • Slooooooowwwwly. Waaaaaandering. Throooouuuuuugh.... the office hallway while typing a what-would-surely-be-more-easily-typed-at-your-desk-so-go-on-back-there email. And then stopping in front of my clear-door-see-through-office standing there leisurely finishing your email, Or maybe perusing what's happening in the social sphere. Perhaps making weekend plans? Whatever it is that you're doing out there while I try to maintain my focus pattern and not look at nor talk to you, would you mind kindly doing it somewhere else?
  • Standing in the communal office kitchen whispering on your cell phone about your interview schedule. Mmmm. I know you genuinely think you're being all DL about your private business and quiet but just a word to the wise, you're totally not. Glad I now know I won't be seeing you for too much longer.
  • Having a what-seems-to-be-really-important work conversation about actual work matters in the bathroom from stall to stall. Perhaps this million dollar matter deserves walls?
And with that, I'll wrap up my observatory musings du jour. Keep staying cool, comrades.

Monday, July 15, 2013

An absolute New Yorker must-read

Summer Musings

Hi Bunnies -

Sorry for being so MIA as of late. I suck. And I totally know that. But I felt obligated to write something today, to, you know, get the snarky juice flowing again. The well has been running a little dry. Ahem. But I'm changing that now. So here are some random thoughts, musings, and matters of confusion on summer in the city. A moderate re-entry back into B-loguing but alas. Here you go:

1. Female attire. I totally get there's a clear societal norm that men have to wear pants and shirts year-round, even in the sweltering heat. Is this a huge gender-biased injustice? You bet. But okay, that is just the way it is. What I totally DON'T get is why some girls, and you know who you are, ladies, insist on donning themselves in much-too-much-heat-inducing clothing during the ninety-degree-plus-I-can't-even-breathe-let-alone-imagine-wearing-more-than-a-flimsy-sundress weather. I mean really, now, ladies, tights? I'm going to go out on a limb and say if you're wearing a skirt today, your legs will be just fine on their own. And sweaters? On the subway nonetheless? I suppose some things I just will never understand.

2. People who sit in Central Park. I realize by stating that this "recreational" activity is confusing / boring / gross puts me at risk for being labeled a "fake" New Yorker. Central Park is, like, a Manhattan landmark and all, yeah yeah, I know. But do all Manhattanites actually think that? Or are they just conforming to the what-we've-all-come-to-adopt-as-New-York-normal standards? I am inclined to believe the latter. I just simply cannot believe that hundreds of thousands of people actually enjoy sitting on benches or, even worse, on the dewy, bug-infested grass, sweating through their clothing for hours on end, with no pool or respite in sight. I understand there's a contingent of crunchy park-lovers out there and all. Really I do. But are they truly all living in NYC? Perhaps next time I venture to the area to ahem, visit Bloomingdales, I will stroll over and take a poll. But rest assured, you will not find me chillin' in the grass when I'm done.

3. Going to rooftop bars when it's ninety degrees or more. Believe me when I say I adore a good rooftop bar. There is totally nothing like standing hundreds of feet above the smallest big city in the world and feeling like it's all just a blip on the world's radar while casually sipping a chilled glass of bubbly. Who wouldn't love a scenario as grand as that? But. But. But. While I find said activity more than pleasant under normal climate conditions, the mere thought of doing so once temperatures have exceeded 85* is enough to send me straight back to my couch. Seriously, kids, is there really a point to standing up there getting pushed, shoved and mangled by smelly, sweaty strangers while incessantly trying to wipe the sweat from your brow to no avail... just to say you "did the rooftop thing"? I'm going to go with no on this one. But that's just me.

4. People who order hot coffee. Really? When there's an equally-caffeinated iced version readily offered and available? I think I've said enough on that one.

And that's all for now, kiddos. Until later, stay smiling, keep cool and steer clear of the subway!

Everything is funnier in a sarcastic e-card

RIP Cory Monteith

An autopsy is scheduled to take place for actor Cory Monteith today after his untimely death Saturday. The late Glee actor, who played Finn Hudson on the pop-cultured-loved theater tv show, had been on a trip to Vancouver. His body was found by staff members at the hotel where he was staying, The Fairmont Pacific Rim, after he failed to check out on time.
Monteith had seemingly had a slew of people over to his hotel room on Friday night, however hotel video surveillance showed that he returned to his room in the early morning by himself. The state he was in when he returned, however, is not confirmed as of yet. But while the definitive state and cause of death are still yet-to-be-determined, police have ruled out any possibility of foul play.
Prior to his passing, Cory had been open about the fact that he struggled with addiction issues and had checked himself into a rehab facility back in March of this year.  This had been his second time in rehab. In June, Monteith had all the makings of optimistic and hope for his sober future when he told Glamour magazine that “‘it’s all about perseverance. Absolute perseverance. You can always get back up.” If only he had been right.
The Glee actor’s nearly on-and-off-screen girlfriend, Lea Michele, has remained silent on the tragedy to date. Michele plays Rachel Berry on Glee and had been dating Monteith for over a year when he passed. Her representatives requested that the  media and the public respect her privacy during this hardship. Michele was not in the dark about Monteith’s drug addiction issues and supported him when he went to rehab. In April, Michele openly shared her unconditional support of her boyfriend’s decision, telling People magazine. “I love and support Cory and will stand by him through this.”
A Facebook page aptly titled, RIP Cory Monteith, was created on Saturday after his untimely death, and as of Monday morning, had more than 669,000 likes. Clearly Mr. Monteith was popular with his fans, well-loved, and will be missed.
RIP Cory.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

i LV this ad

Anna Wintour in a few sentences

Leave it to me to totally love one of the world's most feared female fashion figures. For me, her intense passion, drive and dedication to one of the most important things ever - naturally, fashion - is admirable, inspiring, and awesome. Please don't change, Ms. Wintour. Keep wearing the much-too-large sunglasses and Prada and please do the fashion lovers of the world a favor... Do. Not. Retire. 

And now a few words of wisdom and wonder from the fabulously aloof fashion she-devil.

"What bores you?" (Journalist)
"Mediocrity". (Ms. Wintour)

You either know fashion or you don’t.”

"If you look at any great fashion photograph out of context, it will tell you just as much about what's going on in the world as a headline in The New York Times."

And one from a British journalist speaking about Ms. Wintour, “The notion that Anna would want something done “now” and not “shortly” is accurate.”

Work it, Anna.