Thursday, May 2, 2013

Top 10 Weirdos at my Crap-ass Gym

Every morning without fail, I see the same annoying freaks in the dingy hole that I call the gym. Disclaimer: this particular gym will no longer be my place of exercise post May 15th so please bear with the temporary negativity.

10. Woman who takes OFF her shoes before mounting the stairmaster.  Maybe I'm just too conventional but isn't it standard operating procedure to put ON shoes before starting a work-out? Once she's done with her shoe-less climbing excursion, it's upside-down time. Yes, that's right, she stands on her head for approximately 10 minutes in the middle of the cardio room. Mmmm yeah.

9. Black-haired-bitch and blonde-haired-bitch who talk at such high decibals to each other that even my headphones fail to drone out their way-too-loud-for-any-indoor-space mindless and annoying chatter. Really now, ladies, no one needs to hear about your gynecological issues nor how unripe that mango was. Trust me, no one. And for that matter, if you're talking that much, chances are you're NOT getting enough exercise so just do us all a favor and go somewhere else.

8. This one isn't a person but a situational set-up that is equally offensive. In one of the two "cardio" rooms, the machines are set up not in the normal gym-fashion-row-style. That would be too logical. But no, they are set up in a circle, facing each other. Not only do I have to realize I'm surrounded by freaks, I have to stare right at them while I'm doing my damnedest to forget they are there. Awkward world.

7. Guy who wears a polo shirt, khaki shorts and loafers while doing both cardio and weights. I would hate to see those nice looking Sperrys fall victim to sweat stains.

6. Slow Walker. Every single day, she walks into the gym at the pace of a dying turtle. I would refrain from judging her slow pace were she suffering from some sort of injury... but she ends her slow walk when she starts RUNNING ON THE TREADMILL. Perhaps a more apt  nickname would be Ironic Girl.

5. Guy who does the same exact freaking workout routine every single day but has to follow it in order on a notepad. Think that sentence is pretty much self-explanatory.

4. Gray-haired-bitch. I have never seen someone look so consistently angry or disquieted during a work-out. It must take a lot of effort to glare at every single person around you while riding the bike. Then there was that time she yelled at me for taking up too much space on the mat and that other time for "not sufficiently wiping up my sweat." Geez, lady, if you're this high-strung WHILE working out, I wouldn't want to see you at work. Oh wait, ever.

3. Girl-who-runs-miles-with-her-hair-down. Why? Ew. Hair ties exist for a reason, honey.

2. Morning-worker-outter-who-forgot-to-take-off-her-robe. This was a new one. Yesterday this particular breed of oddity waltzed into the gym, looking like she had just rolled out of bed. In she walked, sneakers on feet, headphones in ears... with a fuzzy pink robe as her outer garb. #somethingsshouldbeleftathome

1. Head bopper. She tops the list. This girl does only the elliptical machine, otherwise known as the I'm-too-lazy-for-a-real-work-out-so-I-use-this machine, every single day. The way she moves her body while on it, however, is probably the oddest thing I have seen... ever. She bops her head as if she were bowing in prayer while simultaneously swaying from side to side so much that she invades her gym neighbors' personal space. I instinctively move away when she enters my line of sight. She's like the circus clown at the gym.

1 comment:

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