A couple days ago, I traipsed into my gym for the first time since going to treatment. Aside from feeling like a different person physically in my "new" body, I felt out of place, odd, overwhelmed and overall out of sorts. (Not dissimilar to the way I felt in the rest of my life). My outfit was not what I wanted to be donning, nor my body, nor did I particularly desire to be present in the gym. But old habits die hard, and there I was. My account was inactive from three months of being away, not opening mail or paying bills, including my gym membership dues...and so, I was stopped before walking in. Ugh. Great. Another thing to deal with, and right away. Of course, I annoyedly thought. Here we go again.
"Rachel!" I heard someone yell my name from across the gym lobby. Who on earth could be beckoning me right now, three months after last being here in this nearly unrecognizable state? "Rachel, how are you? Are you ok?"
It was Mary, the gym membership consultant who had signed me up to become a member.
"I called you last week to see how you were doing...".
I walked over to her so as not to yell across the lobby.
(Yeah, Mary, I mentally mused, I'm great, I've been in an eating disorder treatment lock down facility for three months! Should I yell that across the gym?) Of course, I refrained.
I walked over and in my new calm present manner, politely responded.
"Hi Mary...yeah I've been, um, away for a little bit... (awkward pause for thought on my part)...do you have any idea where I was?"
"Yeah, actually I do," was her immediate response.
"Oh, you do? Ok..."
"Come back to my office to chat if you want." Mary said.
"Ok, sure"...I followed her back to her glass doored see through gym manager cubicle office.
I sat down across from her and my last three month of experiences started leaking through my pale lips. "Yeah, so, I was at this place called ERC..."
Before I needed to explain any further, Mary stopped me. "I did that, too, Rachel. I was at Renfrew for 2 and a half months a few years back."
My mouth dropped four inches. "What, you were?? Oh."
Mary proceeded to recount her experience to me, her ED that, similar to mine, had gotten so bad she no longer could see it at the end prior to treatment, until her family intervened and sent her off to treatment against her will (how oddly familiar the tune of the story continued to ring), her lengthly and harsh stay at Renfrew, and her exit, also similar to mine after reaching "the end of her rope." Yes, she actually used that phrase, my phrase, also.
"It is still hard, I am still uncomfortable," she softly told me, "but I feel so much better than I used to."
Mary then continued. "You know, I felt really guilty signing you up, I knew how sick you were. But I didn't know my place." Even though she was the gym manager, her words were still familiar, I had heard them innumerable times from countless people before.
"Didn't know my place."
Yes, these are powerful and real words and a strong scary sentiment. Those are some of the words landed me where I did at the ERC.
But, to continue.
Mary and I spoke for almost 45 minutes about our shared experiences, thoughts, treatment traumas, and all of that, until it was time for her manager meeting.
"Stop by anytime, Rachel, if you want to talk. I'm always here."
"Thanks, Mary, I will".
Sometimes people come into our space and presence if only for a short time but for a taller reason. We don't always know why at the time, and sometimes the reasons will never show their faces. But in this case, they did. Apropos to my Instagram, whether cliche or not, a couple of days ago, it is true that kindness is key. We never know what goes on in those around us, whether colleagues, gym managers, baristas, family or strangers on the street. Everyone has a story, most have a struggle, and no struggle is less or more important than another.
I have learned much in three months and among that learned, is to accept what is right now and make the better choice. We always have a choice in what we do -- to go backward or forward, eat or not eat, ruminate or walk ahead, be kind or unkind, judge or withhold judgment, isolate or connect. I can say that when I walked into the gym the other day, the last thing I expected to happen, happened. It reinforced that which I know I cannot forget -- accept and commit to what you can in the present. ACT thoughtfully and mindfully. Instead of spending the next hour at the gym, I quickly stairstepped, lifted a weight or two and exited Equinox for the day. I went home, showered, ate, and wrote, because that was my choice. That was my desired action, and I chose to do it.
Anyway, in closing, I recount this anecdote simply to remind you all and myself of what is important in life -- connections, health and authenticity. You never know what and who is around you when you are in your bubble, and being out of mine in that cosmic Equinox (pun intended) moment felt good. So, remember to stay out of the dotted bubble, ACT thoughtfully and all of that and all the rest.
That's all for now.
With light and gratitude,
Rachel
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