Monday, December 9, 2013

Holiday NOTs

Since we are rapidly approaching the winter holidays --  cue a good ole T'is the Season here -- I thought I would put myself out there and share with y'all a few things I would not like to a) receive b) be asked or c) do, this holiday season. I figure it's only right to get it out there early. You know, like a holiday teaser, a guessing game, a pre-campaign... or something.

Part I. Things I would not like to receive as gifts

a). Starbucks cards. While I of course adore my coffee and a good cup o' joe does warm even the coldest of hearts during these frigid winter months, the sheer volume of Starbucks cards that roll in during the holidays is utterly out of control. And by out of control, I mean to say that last year by January 1st, I had $100 in StarBUCKS (literally) to my name. Let's be honest, can one really drink that much coffee? #overcaffeination

b). iTunes cards... said the die-hard music lover. But seriously, the same rationale pretty much goes with this one as above. Trust me, I do love music. I love my iPod, love listening to great beats at the gym, on the subway and anywhere else. However, there are alternate modes of listening to music that do not require the purchase of iTunes songs. Read: Pandora, Jango, iTunes Radio. Or plain old fashion pirating. But of course I do not advocate the latter option. In any case, my aim this particular season is to NOT gather iTunes dollars in surplus of roughly $25.

c). Chocolate. Yeah, I like chocolate. Yeah, sometimes I need some sweets at work in that lull afternoon hour. But dear folks, there is such an overabundance of junk food constantly available this time of year as it is that there is absolutely no need for more. Especially more when it sits right in my own office at arms's length! So do me a solid and save the fattening gift for another time, will ya?

Part II. Things I would not like to be asked

a). "Should you be drinking that wine, Rachel?" Translation: are you mayyyybe trying to get pregnanttttt sometime soooon? K, well, following are answers.  Yes, I should be abso-fucking-lutely be drinking it and no, I am not trying to do that. And now that you mention it, fill 'er up.

b). "Any big plans this year?" Every year when someone inquires this very question of me, I just cannot help but chuckle. Why, yes, I know my plans for every month of the coming year already. In fact, I do not have any free days available until 2015. So, if you were going to ask to make a date, let me just shoot you down right now before you do so. Seriously, though, while I get the whole "let's casually chat about meaningless things" banter thing, this question is just waaayyy too far out there.

c). "So, when do you think you'll get sick of Manhattan?" Worst. Question. Ever. Who is to say that just because one is married that one will inevitably eventually grow tired of the greatest city ever? It's an utterly presumptuous assumption and in my case, terribly false. Will. Not. Happen. In answer, that will occur at precisely a quarter to never.

Part III. Things I would not like to do

a).  Participate in less-than-tipsy karaoke. I don't know what it is but it seems that every winter holiday season, I somehow allow myself to be dragged to an office karaoke fete. And it also seems that said fete has been known to take place in a much-too-sober state of affairs. Don't get me wrong, kids, a drunken karaoke evening can be a fest of fun. Absolument. However, even though t'is indeed the season and some of us may be wearing sparkly red ensembles, let's please try and refrain from too-conscious-karaoke this year. K? Trust me, you'll thank me in the morning.

b). There's only an a) and a b) in this category, for I am normally down for almost anything. And trust me when I say, b) is to be taken with a big ole grain of salt. But this winter holiday season, I do not wish to sit on Santa, talk about Chanukah Harry, pull anything out of a stocking, or sip any eggnog. (Not that I typically exhibit any such behaviors. But, you know, for the record). I assert my right to politely decline.

That should sum it up for now, festive friends. Till we meet again, keep warm, stay cuddly, and enjoy the season. Ho ho ho!

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